look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
