You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
