I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
