I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
