ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
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Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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