Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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