I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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