Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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