My cat gives me a boner
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All I want is dick and wine.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
