at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
