theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
