I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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