im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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