can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
