Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
