I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
