Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
