It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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