shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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