guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
