Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
