she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
