New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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