words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
