I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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