Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
