It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
