i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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