I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
