Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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