Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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