Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
