So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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