Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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