what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
