if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
