there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
