I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
