Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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