totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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