Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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