He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
