I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
