Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
