Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
