I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
