just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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