Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
