I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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