I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
