Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
