Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
