please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
