Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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